I like you. I won’t date you. But let’s work together.
I received an email the other day from a man I’d gone on a few dates with. I was really excited about him. Excited for the first time in a while. Excited enough that I told my mom I’d gone on a date.
He emailed me over the weekend to let me know that he’d started dating someone else, but that he still wants to be friends and would love to support me in my work. I thanked him for letting me know.
What else am I supposed to to say? Good luck? Best wishes? Thanks for telling me, I’m so glad that we can be platonic friends now because that’s actually what I was aiming for all along? Because honestly, I wanted to send him a howler, so best wishes or anything more courteous than I mustered would have been straight up fraudulent.
I was on a roof top in Brooklyn watching the sun set and listening to live jazz and all that I could think about was this man who had taken me on three wonderful dates, who had gone on a trip, who I’d told myself not to text incessantly for fear of scaring him away, and who, in the interim, had started dating someone else.
This is the third time this year that this had happened. The first time, I was told over the phone (directness appreciated), second over text, and now email. Next time, I’ll look out for a skywriter. It’s like I’m the runner up, the girl who helps the guy realize who “the girl for him” really is. I set up the play, but am pulled out of the game at the last minute.
While I have not yet figured out my full role in these burgeoning romances gone foul, I must have a significant one. These types of scenarios don’t run on repeat for no reason. I am not a prop being passed from scene to scene. I am complicit at least and quite possibly a co-lead.
All of this has led to a few too many bags of candy and greasy slices of pizza, some sad calls to friends, and a general disillusionment towards my formerly favorite subject – dating. They (magazines, movies, friends, etc.) say that if you put yourself out there, it’ll work out. Well, I put myself out there and it’s not working out too dandy.
In fact, I am a hairs breadth away from creating a Dating Pippa Exit Survey. It’ll include 3-4 multiple choice questions and a comments section. Collecting data points on my dating life might be crazy but when every guy you like shuts you down, you can’t help but want to ask why.
I can see it now, a spreadsheet filled with reasons that I am not datable. A crowdsourced data set equally as depressing as it would be insightful. But I’m not a product to be critiqued and improved upon. I’m a woman. I am far from perfect, but I know that I have a lot to offer.
If you don’t want to date me that’s perfectly fine, and I appreciate you telling me as soon as possible. But have the courtesy to wait a while before trying to be friends, or worse, offering me work advice. While you’ve got a hot date, I’m waiting on a deliveries from the pizza place down the street and Pinkberry while queuing up old Mindy Project episodes. It’s going to be a long night.
Well, that sucks. The only thing you can really control in this (or any) situation is you. That includes evaluating to see if there really is something consistent over all 3 recent dating situations. It’s not a given that you are doing something ‘wrong’ just because there is a repeat. I would be more likely, in spite of the streak, to think it is pretty random and isn’t an indication of something lacking in you at all.
Break ups suck, but also…three dates is not a big deal. Not even close to a big deal. It’s understandable to be hurt but this level of response seems somewhat disproportionate to what actually happened.
I might ask these men why! I am pretty blunt like that.. but it is likely not something that you’re explicitly doing. You might just be attracted to people who are already stuck on someone else. Maybe you like people who are emotionally distracted/unavailable/a challenge. instead of changing your behavior on dates, you just need to work on your “type”..what do you think?
There’s probably a pattern but it may not be one you’ve considered yet. Not to assume (or project), but I imagine that you, as a woman who’s really good at a lot of things in life, attempt to deduce this string of weirdness with the same logic that you apply to these other things (I DO IT TOO). But…could it simply be bad timing? Just a thought.
Have you read this? http://www.theawl.com/2014/02/ask-polly-should-i-play-it-cool-or-ask-for-more-and-be-that-girl. I love Ask Polly because she’s a smart lady and she’ll says harsh things that simultaneously fill me with shame and hope–both glorious, life-changing things. I hope her writing holds some answers for you.
PS I’m paraphrasing Ask Polly in my first paragraph, so if you think there’s some merit to that thought, it might be worthwhile to check out that link 🙂
why is it that the ones you like, won’t talk to you, and the ones you don’t, can’t stop texting you. what did you do on the 3 dates?
I have been that girl! And I’m guessing the constant in the situations is the type of guy you get excited about.
Another thing I got a lot was being passed over because they wanted someone to have a more casual fling with and while they initially thought if be suitable (er..yay?) they “discovered” I was nice and felt I needed someone better. Again..yay.
Anyway, big hugs. Xx