Why Your Long Distance Flirtationship Is Holding You Back
Every major relationship in my life has been long distance. From going to different high schools and seeing each other once a week, to being on opposite sides of the country and flying back and forth every few months, I’ve chosen to be in relationships in which geographic location is not exactly a strong suit. I say chosen because that’s what they were, choices. Ok, going to all-girls high school did mean that I wasn’t going to find anyone in English class, but other than that I’ve been in situations where love was just as available at arm’s reach, if I was only willing to look for it.
Portland, Oregon and New York City are both happening spots, albeit in different ways, with plenty of eligible young men. To deny that would be absurdly incorrect as well as unfair to them. And yet, I’ve looked past them in favor of men who are far harder to actually form a healthy relationship with. In this, I seem to not be alone.
A close friend, visiting for a weekend, alternated between updating me on her life, sipping coconut oolong, and checked her perennially buzzing phone. It was, she shared, a man who she is very much in to, has great chemistry with, and texts upwards of 30 times a day. What’s the problem you ask? Well, he happens to live on a different continent.
“Love hath no boundaries!” we say.
A mantra in the truest sense – technically true but simultaneously something that we are constantly trying to convince ourselves of.
Perhaps it is the mystery of a far off lover, the ease of conversation when arguments are few and far between, or the promise of adventurous trips and romance built on long-weekends at cozy bed and breakfast’s that attract us to this arrangement. It is likely all of those things to an extent. However, more than anything, I’ve realized that digital-based long distance relationships give women, especially ambitious and successful young women who strain to find the time to date, access to a relationship on their terms.
With great technology comes great power.
Guy texts? You get to decide when to respond. Guy calls? Ignoring them is a perfectly viable option that you may take more often then not. The slew of apps that are meant to foster connection, Skype, Facebook, Whatsapp, etc., actually enable us to control communication to a wild extent. Each text can be agonized over and rephrased a dozen times before hitting send. Each Skype conversation can be upbeat and perky, staying away from serious subjects like investor troubles, launch delays, and the million other things that keep you up at night.
What these young women are losing sight of, myself included, is that long distance works both ways.
We aren’t the only ones ignoring texts and declining Google Hangouts. That person that we assume will always be there to text us “Goodmorning” followed by a different cheesy emoticon each day is playing the same game.
Sometimes you fall for someone you can’t have. For some reason we immediately categorize this as meaning that the person is already in a relationship, but not being able to “have” someone is actually a much more varied issue.
Location is a piece of it and, in the majority of cases, a relationship fostered 3000 miles apart isn’t going to survive the 3” of space left when you share a bed.
You don’t have to turn down opportunities just because they are long-distance, but don’t let them blind you to the chances for love that might be right in front of you. That bar across the street from you that you avoid like the plague might be the favorite spot of your next love, you never know till you shut down your computer, silence your phone, shower (totally optional), and go.
Interesting piece. I think a large part of it that you didn’t touch on is how the relationship was originally initiated. With my girlfriend, we met in person. We dated for a summer, in person. When fall came and we were suddenly more than a hundred miles away from each other it was hard, but we had a foundation of real-life interaction and affection. Now for the majority of the time we’re 250 miles apart and its hard but still- we have that foundation, something that people who meet online or briefly in person do not have.
I also think that long distance relationships teach a lot of life lessons; time management, communication, budget allocation; the list goes on.
I agree with Martha, foundation and true effort play big parts. My ex-lady and I only started dating the last month of our freshman year…and we weren’t even exclusively dating or really anything that could be labeled…but we both put in effort for the distance, even though it was only summer apart. Thought it was at the beginning of our thing, and that was difficult, but we both went onto have our longest relationship with a single partner (3 years). They do teach you a lot, if not about the partner, then about oneself, which for me was invaluable as a person. I do agree though with the fact that a lot of syllogisms arise from situations like this based on long told sayings such as “love hath no boundaries.”…it’s easy to make SOOOO many assumptions when someone is literally a stolen glance, a facebook profile, or an emoji on your phone and some words…
“Location is a piece of it and, in the majority of cases, a relationship fostered 3000 miles apart isn’t going to survive the 3” of space left when you share a bed.”
This has left a mark on me. I’m currently in a LDR: I live in Maldives where I teach English, and my partner lives in Sicily, Italy, where he’s always lived. I’m moving to Italy next month. I’m excited but I’m worried. You’re right that things will feel differently once we’re back together, dynamics will change etc. Will it survive? I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.
Love your blog, by the way.
I agree with many of your points but I can only relate to them when I imagine the bloom of a relationship beginning through a keyboard, screen and webcam (yet even in this respect I am prejudiced). I think it can be dangerous to make sweeping generalisations about how relationships work and what is the right way v. wrong way because our prejudices can be detrimental to others and how they cope when in these long-distance relationships. I have had the “unfortunate luck” of falling in love with a man who lives in Kenya (2006!) and over the years have had to face negativity all around me. Even now, when we are battling it out with MPs and immigration officers for my husband to join me and our daughter, I still get the occasional comment, “Why couldn’t you have fallen in love with a Portuguese guy or something?”. I have to admit, I find this hurtful, especially as I fully believe that the immigration officer who refused my husband to be present for the birth was thinking the same thing.