Childless, Whether It Be By Choice Or Circumstance
I overheard a conversation in the gym locker room recently between three 30-something year old women. One woman was worried that she wouldn’t be able to have kids. Many of her unmarried girlfriends had frozen their eggs while she had held out hope that things would work out in the expected order, but here she was at 35 without a significant other and draining optimism as far as her ability to have “it all”: a loving partner, a great job, financial stability, and children.
Earlier in the week, I’d been talking to a friend of mine who is sure that she does not want to have children. She’ll be an amazing Aunt or Godmother, but doesn’t feel strongly about having children of her own. These parallel discourses, the panic of delayed parenthood and the decision to not have children, have taken a front-and-center spot in the psyche of many a millennial woman.
For a generation that grew up watching the Duggar family raise 19 kids on TV, you’d think that we’d be drawn to packed dinner tables and minivans. Turns out, we are actually shifting away from large families and choosing to be childless at record breaking rates.
In the 1970’s 1 in 10 women were “childless”, according the Pew Research Center that number is now closer to 1 in 5. Authors, psychologists, and high-profile celebrities are challenging the perception that deep down every woman is yearning to become a mother, and that those who don’t are selfish or hate children.
Research has shown that people with children are “richer, better educated and healthier” than those without. But it fails to show any difference in happiness. Of course, here we are assuming that the decision to have children falls squarely on a woman’s shoulders. It does not account for infertility, finances, or any other circumstances that could prevent, or delay, a woman in getting pregnant.
I can’t help but think that the woman in the gym locker room and Cameron Diaz, perhaps the most well-known woman to forego motherhood, have a lot in common. Women today, myself included, have better access to education, financial freedom, and career opportunities than ever before, and we are pursuing those opportunities to the fullest. We are receiving terminal degrees, moving into corner offices, and are putting off dating, marriage, and child-rearing to do so.
For some, this is seen as a fair tradeoff, or not even a tradeoff at all. For others, it’s a decision that makes sense at 20, 25, or 30, but as 35 creeps around the corner shows itself to be a double-edged sword. The woman in the locker room had done everything ‘right’. She’d gotten her degree, focused on her career, put herself in a financial situation where she could provide for a child, but in doing so inadvertently backed herself into a timeline that gives her only a narrow window to have kids before the opportunity is gone.
I’ve never considered not having children. Whether I can carry them myself, choose to adopt, or both, I’m an innately maternal person. So the “childless by choice” stance, while fascinating to me, is not a route that I see myself taking. However, I most definitely understand the stress women are feeling as they are pulled between building a great career and building a family. Too much in either direction, and you are a workaholic or a homebody. It feels, quite often, like there is no way to win.
L.o.v.e. this article :))) Had someone told me at 25 that I would marry at 36, it would have saved me many years of angst. Instead, I spent 10 years in dread of family functions and the inevitable “when are u getting married” questions. It’s not so much the questions as the looks of pity (disbelief? disappointment?) that a well educated, entertaining and beautiful woman does not “have a man” already. (Of course, there was a ‘husband tree’ I could just pluck candidiates from at will…)
The issue here is that although we have advanced as a society, the cultural pressure for women to marry remains. In 1st generation familes, the pressure can be even more intense as parents push their daughters to achieve the American Dream in one breathe, and in the next dismiss all of her personal accoplishments as third best (wife is first…mother is second). Without the first 2, nothing else matters.
Marriage is no magic pill or paradigm shattering event. its a lot of hard work and 100% worth it…when you have the right person. I can barely imagine what life would be life if I married the wrong person too soon, instead of striving to fulfill my OWN expectations. Will I have children? Of Course!! But it can wait.
I read somewhere that the word’s population is estimated to be around 9 billion by 2050. So let the naturally maternal women have kids if they want, but for people like me who are still on the fence (leaning more toward “probably not”), there shouldn’t be any pressure at all to reproduce. Good post.
Another wonderful article from Miss Biddle. And as always a hard topic to write on.
For myself children are a horrible and at the same time & amount wonderful prospect. They implicitly are an untouched, unwritten fate. And only a fool would take this lightly. Then again I am a man and um… I find your outlook very interesting. The demands of modern capitalism and industrialism forces us to make a career but at the same time demands of society wants us to reproduce. I bow in honor to anyone who can juggle both of these at the same time with success..
Thanks!
The problem with life is that we can’t always perfectly plan it. At 24 I’m feeling great about being single with only myself to care for. But I can certainly see 35 sneaking up and then single with only myself might not sound so nice. I’m learning to more than content with where I am now and not worrying so much about the future. When I was younger, I thought surely by almost 25 I’d have a husband and at least one kid. Now that the time has come and I have a cute apartment and a cat, I’m SO GLAD that younger me didn’t get to make life changing decisions (like marriage and babies). I’ve been thinking about this kind of stuff a lot lately as I watch my friends get married and become parents (which is awesome and fun and exciting). I actually wrote a bit about it myself! http://tattooedmissionary.wordpress.com/2014/06/29/heres-the-thing-about-babies/
I like this blog post in general, but I have a small nitpick:
So the “childless by choice” stance, while fascinating to me, is not a route that I see myself taking. However, I most definitely understand the stress women are feeling as they are pulled between building a great career and building a family.
While what you say is true, there are many women (and men) who are childfree by choice, and it has nothing to do with that tension between career and family. Childfree can be desirable by itself and not as a compromise for the sake of one’s career.