Date a Girl in Startups
I write a lot about love and dating. Over the past year, I’ve had more conversations with my female peers in startups and entrepreneurship about these issues than any other topic. Very few young women in startups are in healthy relationships, but that doesn’t mean we don’t strive for them or thrive in them. For some reason, we have a hard time starting and building romantic relationships. I haven’t been able to work out the exact formula for why we have so much trouble but I am certain that it has a fair amount to do with men’s fears about who we are and what we do.
The seven statements bolded below are reasons that we kick ass. They were compiled with the help of a group of girls, some of whom I am close friends with and others whom I have never met in person. Together, we picked out the things that we feel make us not only unique, but also strong and powerful women. Importantly, they are also traits that help us build relationships. Hopefully, they will make you at least consider dating a Girl in Startups.
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She enjoys taking risks. Deciding to start your own venture, or work for an early stage one, is attractive to people who are comfortable walking the line between massive success and failure, who see their $12,000 a year paycheck as a world of future possibilities, and who can’t stop pushing forward. Because of this, she is confident in her abilities. Her decisions reflect her as a person. Not only does she accept this, she owns it. She is hard to derail and she gets shit done. Big risks can yield big rewards, but she knows that she has to work her butt off to make it happen.
Whether she is building a deck or editing code, she can spend all night working because she has passion for what she does. She is dedicated to her work, family, friends, and relationships and when she sets her mind to something she sees it to the end. Sometimes this means she takes forever to answer your texts. But don’t worry – from pitching to VC’s to managing a cohort of interns, she knows what good communication looks like and can use it as much outside of work as she does in the office. If she’s not texting you, facebook messaging you, or sending a carrier pigeon every 15 minutes it is because she understands that the best communication is done in person. Bonus is, when you ask her how her day was, you’re actually curious because you have no clue what she was up to.
If you date a Girl in Startups you have to appreciate that she is obsessed with learning. She constantly searches for new information, tests new technologies and products, and is open to new perspectives. Intelligence turns her on, and she reads blogs and articles on tech and entrepreneurship like others read erotic literature. She may have finished college; it’s possible she dropped out. No matter her level of formal education, she’ll always be up for learning something new. Furthermore, she sees failure as one of the best ways to learn. She has learned to be resilient because she flirts with failure on a daily basis. For her, failure isn’t crippling but rather a chance to create something new. She won’t let little bumps throw her off track in her work or in her relationships.
Consider dating a girl in startups, but if you do, know that she won’t automatically make you #1. She is independent, self-sufficient, and will make you work to become a priority in her life. When she makes time for you, it’s because she cares.
**Thank you Sam, Melissa, Maddy, Robin, Becca, Shilpi, Stephanie, Arianna, Ryan and many more for your advice and criticism in writing this piece. I wanted to make sure that it came from the startup community, rather than just one woman’s brain.
Having just committed to my third startup, I think I can safely say this equally applies to men who are working at a startup.
The only constant in all your failed relationships is you. You will also find, as you grow older, that this line of thinking is flawed: “know that she won’t automatically make you #1. She is independent, self-sufficient, and will make you work to become a priority in her life.” Yes, time is precious and giving someone your time is difficult to do in our modern world. Know, however, that many won’t force themselves to have space in your life. Your aloofness will send the message that you’re too much of a hassle, and they will look elsewhere for friendship. No, it’s not because they haven’t figured out your high value, it’s because they didn’t get the chance to. It’s too easy to blame an entire gender; maybe you’re expecting something from the wrong circle of people. Difficulty in dating these days is not limited to startups, or any other group, but a general breakdown in what used to be healthy courting and interpersonal relationships is widespread. You’re only 21 (yes, that is young), so there will be many more lessons ahead. However, given a chance, you will find more people out there (men, in your case, I believe), who have more value to you than first impressions present. Maybe once in a while you can make one of them your #1 priority, even if only for a brief conversation.
I was going to say that the lack of healthy relationships that start-up-ers does not seem to be gender specific…but reedmaniac was already on it.
perhaps worthwhile: “Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” – Rumi
-from a fellow traveler and aid worker who has seen US doctors get angry when told that there volunteering in Africa doesn’t help…
I see a lot of parallels to the advertising industry, too. I know many fabulous, smart, powerful, fun, hilarious (and did I mention smart?) women in the ad world who struggle to find a mate. I wonder if a combination of working insane hours + intimidating people by their overall kick ass-ness is a big reason why.
(I’m not tooting my own horn here. I’m not in advertising but know many people who are.)
Its true that many men are intimidated by successful women. For me the biggest problem with dating women like this is first meeting them bv they are always busy. Whats your start up?
The only constant in all your failed relationships is you. You will also find, as you grow older, that this line of thinking is flawed: “know that she won’t automatically make you #1. She is independent, self-sufficient, and will make you work to become a priority in her life.” Yes, time is precious and giving someone your time is difficult to do in our modern world. Know, however, that many won’t force themselves to have space in your life. Your aloofness will send the message that you’re too much of a hassle, and they will look elsewhere for friendship. No, it’s not because they haven’t figured out your high value, it’s because they didn’t get the chance to..... It’s too easy to blame an entire gender; maybe you’re expecting something from the wrong circle of people. Difficulty in dating these days is not limited to startups, or any other group, but a general breakdown in what used to be healthy courting and interpersonal relationships is widespread. You’re only 21 (yes, that is young), so there will be many more lessons ahead. However, given a chance, you will find more people out there (men, in your case, I believe), who have more value to you than first impressions present. Maybe once in a while you can make one of them your #1 priority, even if only for a brief conversation.
In respect to the trouble with relationships:
Doesn’t the crux of the problem lie in the matter of priorities? I’m not indicting or judging anyone’s choices, but it just seems that there is a more simple reason why people* referred to in this article “have so much trouble” building romantic relationships.
Energy and focus is spent on self-edification and more selfish pursuits (I’m not using the word ‘selfish’ in a pejorative sense). Building a relationship requires selflessness, patience, time and often putting others first.
Admittedly, in the last paragraph you write:
“Consider dating a girl in startups, but if you do, know that she won’t automatically make you #1. She is independent, self-sufficient, and will make you work to become a priority in her life.”
It’s one thing to have good qualities (i.e. it’s only one piece of the larger puzzle) like those 6 points and another aspect bringing critical factors to the table that foster a relationship (e.g. selflessness, compassion, time, care, patience and effort).
It would be a barrier/uphill battle for someone to fight to “be part of” these positive qualities (or quite unreasonable for them to fight for aspects the other person is not willing to give) – not to say it isn’t worth it, but the point is: it makes the situation incredibly hard.
“I haven’t been able to work out the exact formula for why we have so much trouble but I am certain that it has a fair amount to do with men’s fears about who we are and what we do”
Lastly, I don’t think that the finger should be pointed at the “other” party (people and their
fears); I’d wager that it could be an issue, but not as big as you may be assigning it.
There are a lot of more tangible factors that make relationships really challenging that can be traced back to how the startup people spend their time/effort. It’s often within people’s control to moderate and adjust characteristics to give them better chances of relationship success.
With startups, time, focus/effort and relationships. More often than not, I don’t think you can have your cake and eat it too.
* I agree with all comment posters that this is not gender specific.