Whoever Cares Less Wins

I call people. My close friends that don’t live nearby know this. They’ve become accustomed, or maybe resigned, to not hearing from me for a few weeks then receiving a phone call out of the blue. Whether we talk for 5 minutes or 50, I am certain that it is a better way to communicate than Facebook chat, texting, or email. Instead of sending dozens of messages riddled with emoticons to try and make tone come through, I chose the medium 2nd only to talking in person…and maybe skype.

It sometimes seems as if I am of a dying breed. I watch friends stretch passive aggressive texting arguments over many days that could have been settled in a 5 minute phone conversation. This is not to say that I don’t argue over text. One of my greatest frustrations is when someone refuses to pick up or ignores my calls and forces texting to be the medium. As we aim, fire, and shoot messages at each other, I am depressed by the flaws inherent in this communication system and the environment those flaws create.

Cosmopolitan recently released an article that argues that, in the world of dating today, “whoever cares less wins.” I would stretch this hypothesis to include friends, especially friends of a different gender. I’ve been chided for responding to a guy (friend) too quickly and writing too much. When the friend(s) become less responsive, not replying for days at a time, I feel insecure and unsure if they are just busy, or actively ignoring me.

This is where I would pick up the phone. Supposedly, this is the absolute wrong thing to do. Instead, I am advised to enter into a war of attrition where I don’t try to communicate clearly and answer messages with vague responses.

Logically, I think this is the dumbest idea ever. If you want to solve a conflict, why would you act in a way that isn’t efficient and create an environment in which conflict is all that thrives? At the same time, I see this method working for friends. They ignore a boy, typically a love interest, for weeks at a time and, almost invariably, he comes crawling to them in the only way he knows how…texting “Want to go get a drink/go to a movie/grab a bite to eat?”

At first, I tried to reject and shut down Cosmo’s argument that a “whoever cares less wins” culture is pervasive in young people. Sadly, the more I examined my own life the more I saw it seeping it’s way in. As I weigh reaching out to a friend who I haven’t heard from in a few days, I question whether it’s too soon, if I’ll look desperate or needy, and if the act of reaching out will push him further away.

I still put a premium on clear communication, verbal cues, and reject arguing over text but, while the  “whoever cares less wins” method is not sustainable and is toxic to forming positive friendships and relationships, it’s hard to reject a game everyone is playing.

How can we hope to learn how to navigate conflict and communicate in a healthy way, necessary to successful long term partnerships, when we spend so much time feeding and nurturing unnecessary conflicts? Or, more importantly, when did caring become a bad thing?