Whoever Cares Less Wins
I call people. My close friends that don’t live nearby know this. They’ve become accustomed, or maybe resigned, to not hearing from me for a few weeks then receiving a phone call out of the blue. Whether we talk for 5 minutes or 50, I am certain that it is a better way to communicate than Facebook chat, texting, or email. Instead of sending dozens of messages riddled with emoticons to try and make tone come through, I chose the medium 2nd only to talking in person…and maybe skype.
It sometimes seems as if I am of a dying breed. I watch friends stretch passive aggressive texting arguments over many days that could have been settled in a 5 minute phone conversation. This is not to say that I don’t argue over text. One of my greatest frustrations is when someone refuses to pick up or ignores my calls and forces texting to be the medium. As we aim, fire, and shoot messages at each other, I am depressed by the flaws inherent in this communication system and the environment those flaws create.
Cosmopolitan recently released an article that argues that, in the world of dating today, “whoever cares less wins.” I would stretch this hypothesis to include friends, especially friends of a different gender. I’ve been chided for responding to a guy (friend) too quickly and writing too much. When the friend(s) become less responsive, not replying for days at a time, I feel insecure and unsure if they are just busy, or actively ignoring me.
This is where I would pick up the phone. Supposedly, this is the absolute wrong thing to do. Instead, I am advised to enter into a war of attrition where I don’t try to communicate clearly and answer messages with vague responses.
Logically, I think this is the dumbest idea ever. If you want to solve a conflict, why would you act in a way that isn’t efficient and create an environment in which conflict is all that thrives? At the same time, I see this method working for friends. They ignore a boy, typically a love interest, for weeks at a time and, almost invariably, he comes crawling to them in the only way he knows how…texting “Want to go get a drink/go to a movie/grab a bite to eat?”
At first, I tried to reject and shut down Cosmo’s argument that a “whoever cares less wins” culture is pervasive in young people. Sadly, the more I examined my own life the more I saw it seeping it’s way in. As I weigh reaching out to a friend who I haven’t heard from in a few days, I question whether it’s too soon, if I’ll look desperate or needy, and if the act of reaching out will push him further away.
I still put a premium on clear communication, verbal cues, and reject arguing over text but, while the “whoever cares less wins” method is not sustainable and is toxic to forming positive friendships and relationships, it’s hard to reject a game everyone is playing.
How can we hope to learn how to navigate conflict and communicate in a healthy way, necessary to successful long term partnerships, when we spend so much time feeding and nurturing unnecessary conflicts? Or, more importantly, when did caring become a bad thing?
Hi Pippa! I loved your article on Women in Startups. I call the shit out of my friends, and we both love it. Today especially, though, I see myself in your writing and feel great compassion. My particular woman in startups is not picking up the phone today. </3
I want to share this with you, because it took out uncertainty and self-doubt from my life and brought in joy, clarity, and powerful connection. In this moment I really appreciate you for sharing yourself so vulnerably, and I would love it if I could contribute to your life being awesome and you loving more of it.
I read this article by Mark Manson, on "Fuck Yes or No", about 3 months ago: http://markmanson.net/fuck-yes .
I told two people (one of them another WIS) I wanted to connect with about Fuck Yes or No, sent them the article, told them what I was a Fuck Yes for between us and why, and actually invited them to state how they felt about me and what they wanted to create. I got two really inspiring, creative, and passionate responses!
It was the seed of my most extraordinary friendship to date. We now have a writer's pact, we're drinking wine and watching Doctor Who tomorrow, we've overcome countless snags by talking and growing together, and out of one particular phone conversation with me she found the courage and freedom to quit her job and is moving to the Southwest of England to farm and write, as was her childhood dream.
It was also the seed of freedom from worrying and questioning myself around at least one person I was really excited about. We were working together on her startup, and she was travelling all over the world hot-tubbing with Richard Branson and not picking up my phone calls (haha).
I am still excited about her, and I feel how I feel freely without being attached to her doing anything in particular. She's still very enthusiastic about her feelings for me, and at the same time is demonstrably not a Fuck Yes. So I stopped texting her and leaving voicemails and facebook messages every week, and I let myself off the hook for whatever I wasn't doing right as a partner. And I am profoundly happier.
Thanks for taking the time to read my comment. I know you're up to a lot, and I really appreciate it 🙂
Hi David,
Thank you for leaving such a thoughtful comment! I have added reading the article you recommended (Fuck Yes or No) to my to-do list for the weekend. I really appreciate you taking the time to read my writing and I hope that you find it entertaining and maybe even helpful.
Cheers,
Pippa
There’s two ways to influence another person to do something: use eitherforce or power. Force is the easy way and power is the more challenging and more rewarding way.
Force comes from a place of weakness, scarcity, and the root motivation is fear. Guilt is an example of a force. Consider the sentences, “Why don’t you come visit your Mother and Father? Can’t you stop by for one meal? Don’t you love us anymore?”
Power comes from a place of strength, abundance, and the root motivation is love. Hopefulness is an example of power. Consider the sentences, “Your Father and I are going for picnic Sunday. You’re welcome to join us. We understand if you are busy. We love you and are thinking of you.”
Yes, the advice “whoever cares less wins” when it comes to relationships “wins,” if you want to force a relationship that is created out of fear instead of love. But if you can care more about the process of reaching out to someone, but not on the outcome itself (whether a relationship is formed or not — because they will sort themselves out anyway, i.e. the healthy ones will and the unhealthy ones won’t) you will be in good shape. I think that’s where you’re close to operating from.
Another consideration: I believe when the advice is applied to achieving a goal in life, something that is independent of another person (running a race), the one who cares more, wins.
I hope this makes sense. I read a few of your articles on Medium and found this article. Thanks for writing, I’ve enjoyed reading.
Hi –
I came across your blog in the “best blogs of the week” thingie on my blog dashboard. First – I’m old. From your vantage point almost ancient. I probably fit in between your parents and grandparents. Just so you know where I’m coming from,
My comment? Thank you for gaining wisdom.
Yes…I knew everything in my early twenty’s (just like any 20 year old) but I didn’t understand wisdom – using what I know to it’s greatest advantage. That only comes with time. Some people take a long time to find that road. Congratulations on the beginning of your journey.
Keep calling people…social media will be the downfall of our society…oh, an Miley Cyrus.
Best, Fred
Fred – Thanks for your kind words. I believe we can survive the Miley typhoon 🙂
This made me laugh!
Just accept it as human behavior ever since the beginning of time (you see, in German we say “Mach Dich rar und Du bist der Star”, in French they say “Suis-le il te fuira, fuis-le il te suivra”)… The smart thing, I think, is to acknowledge our own ploys.. Because one day you will find this behavior in yourself too!
Hi Pippa! I loved your article on Women in Startups. I call the shit out of my friends, and we both love it. Today especially, though, I see myself in your writing and feel great compassion. My particular woman in startups is not picking up the phone today.
I want to share this with you, because it took out uncertainty and self-doubt from my life and brought in joy, clarity, and powerful connection. In this moment I really appreciate you for sharing yourself so vulnerably, and I would love it if I could contribute to your life being awesome and you loving more of it.
I read this article by Mark Manson, on “Fuck Yes or No”, about 3 months ago: http://markmanson.net/fuck-yes ...
I told two people (one of them another WIS) I wanted to connect with about Fuck Yes or No, sent them the article, told them what I was a Fuck Yes for between us and why, and actually invited them to state how they felt about me and what they wanted to create. I got two really inspiring, creative, and passionate responses!
It was the seed of my most extraordinary friendship to date. We now have a writer’s pact, we’re drinking wine and watching Doctor Who tomorrow, we’ve overcome countless snags by talking and growing together, and out of one particular phone conversation with me she found the courage and freedom to quit her job and is moving to the Southwest of England to farm and write, as was her childhood dream.
It was also the seed of freedom from worrying and questioning myself around at least one person I was really excited about. We were working together on her startup, and she was travelling all over the world hot-tubbing with Richard Branson and not picking up my phone calls (haha)....
I am still excited about her, and I feel how I feel freely without being attached to her doing anything in particular. She’s still very enthusiastic about her feelings for me, and at the same time is demonstrably not a Fuck Yes. So I stopped texting her and leaving voicemails and facebook messages every week, and I let myself off the hook for whatever I wasn’t doing right as a partner. And I am profoundly happier.
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